Co-Parenting 101
These are some tips that we tell families at the Bloomfield Family Law Firm who hope to work together to co-parent their children. The courts always love to see parents work together and of course, when parents cannot, the courts are there to make decisions. If parents get along however, even if it’s just for the sake of the children in over a child related issues, the court is more than happy to have the parents make the decisions about their children. This is true for heterosexual couples and same-sex couples going through a divorce.
1.) Watch what You Say
Do not ever speak badly about the other parent in your child’s presence. It is important to remember that your child identifies half of their identity having come from that parent. By disparaging the other parent, you are really disparaging a part of your child. Your child is supposed to love both parents unconditionally. Any disparaging talk puts them in an unfair and unhealthy situation.
2.) Give up Control when it’s Not Your House
It is important to realize that you cannot control what goes on in the other home. You can only control the rules in way things go in your home. If you are uptight and want the children’s teeth brushed every night at 7 o’clock, co-parenting may not be the best idea unless you can learn to live with some flexibility. At the end of the day, the thing that matters most is that the children feel loved and cared for. Sometimes the little details we put upon ourselves are just that, little details we expect to live up to but are not necessary to keep a child alive.
3.) Align Regarding Discipline, No Matter What
When there are issues with discipline it is important for both parents to be on the same page. For example, if one parent takes away the child cell phone for inappropriate activity on the phone, it completely destroys the punishment aspect if the other parent gives the phone right back. By being on the same page, it will keep the child from acting like a pendulum swinging back-and-forth between the parent that is easier on them at each moment in time.
4.) Consult with a Family Therapist when Things Get Sticky
Sometimes it is helpful to enlist the help of an objective therapist who can work with the children and both parents on any issues that may arise. The therapist can make a determination if they need individual appointments with the children or if joint appointments are appropriate with one parent or both parents. Sometimes therapists can make things simpler and help guide everyone in the same direction.
5.) There Will Always be Times that Both Parents Need to be Together with Their Child(ren)
There will be times when the parents should be able to sit down together and discuss something that comes up in their child’s life. We always recommend parents to suck up any negative feelings they have and come together for the sake of the children when the children have something important they need to discuss with their parents.
This is where it’s also helpful to set aside feelings about the opposite party’s choice of girlfriend/boyfriend or any romantic relationship they are in. Sometimes this can be difficult because emotions run high but at the end of the day, the most important thing is that the children are cared for and supported in the way they need.
6.) Have Clear Rules about Communicating with the Other Parent during Parenting Time
It is important for the parties to have clear rules about when they will connect during their own parenting time – explicitly stating out which issues require both parents to be involved. For example if one child falls off their bike and breaks their wrist, the parents should have an agreement about notifying the other parent. In some cases people will ask if they should agree to the first right of refusal meaning if they are unavailable, they must ask the other parent if they would like to have the children before finding alternate childcare or a babysitter. Often, this gives one party control over the other party and invite unnecessary and extreme amounts of contact. We do not recommend the right of first refusal unless parties live very close to one another and get along very well.
Co-parenting can be entirely possible, even for parties that start off in an emotional state going into a divorce. At the Bloomfield Family Law Firm, we always try to encourage people to get along the best they can, so they remain the people who make the decisions for the people they know best — their children. If you need a consultation to discuss your particular situation, we are happy to set up an appointment with you and go over everything and what to expect.
